Tuesday, November 17, 2009
This is Movie Island. It might look like an inflatable mattress, because that's what it used to be. However, it is no longer an inflatable mattress. It's a magical island where my family gathers to watch movies. But you can only watch one movie on Movie Island before it disappears into a flat, plastic puddle on the carpet. It's very magical.
I bet you're wondering how you can get your own two-hour magical Movie Island. I've put together a short set of do-it-yourself instructions.
1. Purchase an expensive inflatable mattress at Costco with the intent of using it for decades as a spare sleeping option for houseguests.
2. Leave it inflated in a spare basement room after your houseguests leave.
3. Forget about it for a few months.
4. Ask two small children (preferably boys) to use the mattress as an end zone for indoor football.
5. Ignore the sounds of them making dramatic touchdowns, tackles, and fumbles.
6. Repeat steps 3-5.
7. Check on your mattress after several months. It should be listless and whimpering.
8. Fill it up with air and spend several minutes locating and patching the most significant holes. (Don't worry, there are zillions of tiny holes! You only want to patch the big ones.) Oh, and be sure to use some profanity. (This is all part of the magical process.)
9. You're almost done! Now it's time to test your magical Movie Island to make sure it has been fully transformed and is no longer an inflatable mattress. Fully inflate it and then sleep on it overnight. If you've been successful, you'll wake on the hard ground after only a few hours. (Note: you can ask a houseguest to perform this step for you.) If you wake on a full mattress, I recommend repeating steps 3-5, but with larger children who are holding knives.
10. Congratulations! You have successfully transformed a regular, expensive air mattress into a magical Movie Island for your family to enjoy for the average length of a feature film!